Thursday, 31 December 2009

New Year

Ringing in the old, wishing for a New.
Possibly something good, hopefully a few.
Maybe it'll end, the bitter crap, a bunch of bull.

New Year, are you here?


Monday, 28 December 2009

Rollar Coaster .

life is a never ending rollar coaster. Up down, flip, stop,jerk. yada yadda yadda. I can see the upside down part, but where do I flip over?

Friday, 25 December 2009


Merry Christmas..

I think Im falling.

I feel sick. . .

why am i not dead yet? I'm tired of hurting. tired of crying.


Friday, 18 December 2009


Just wanted to say thanks. To all of you who have posted comments. Stuff is slowly starting to settle back. Things are still rough and tough, but I'm rolling through.

If you sent me anything on my MSN account, I haven't gotten it for the fact that I have no clue where my iPod is, what my screenname was and what my password was. Yikes.


Wednesday, 16 December 2009

It's been Rough.

What can I say? I'm just tired of it all. :( looking into getting help from the real deal soon.


Friday, 4 December 2009

things started looking up there for a moment.

and then they started to plummet. and fast. I've been trying to stay calm, and lately I've just lost it all. I still work on hanging in there. I think I need to write more. Maybe let loose.



Sunday, 15 November 2009

I'm Just

I can't quite figure out what's going on. I feel...I don't know. I walk, talk, and act like I'm all good. I wear life as a smile...and yet something's wrong with me, and i'm not sure what.


Saturday, 14 November 2009


Sometimes, when you make plans such a long time in advance, you tend to when they remind you and you can't do it, it's sorta depressing. Just saying..


Sunday, 8 November 2009

I'm Posting :)

Okay, so, I like this guy.

Famous words, right?

He's everything I dreamed of, plus lots I never even thought of.

And I think he might like me back.

How can I tell for sure? What do I do? And how can I make up for the "date" that I had to pass up because of prior commitments???


how's it going? Hope everyone is good. Someone please post?


Monday, 7 September 2009

a Long time

A quote for you all, since I have not posted in forever.

"The truth shall set you Free."

Sometimes this isn't exactly true.


Monday, 17 August 2009

Losing People

I'm kind of sad about starting school.

Because two very, very, VERY important people won't be there. Ellie B and Taylor (he's a guy) aren't going to be in class this year. You might "know" Ellie. She's a follower and one of my best friends. She's been going to my school since 7th grade. We've started school together every year since middle school. She's awesome. She's part of the class.

And she won't be there this year.

Taylor goes back wayyy farther. We've known each other since we were five (wow, a whole decade), and done school together since we were like seven. We've both been going to THIS school since fifth grade, and every year as long as I can really remember, he's been in my class. We aren't amazing friends or anything, we don't even talk to each other that much. But we're exactly alike. EXACTLY ALIKE. I honestly can't imagine school without him there, asking the question I was opening my mouth to ask, finishing my sentence, giving me the word I was looking for when I'm talking, making the same stupid mistakes as me in math, helping me remember what I was going to say even though I hadn't said it, glancing at each other when someone says something stupid.

I don't mean to get all...memory-lane on you guys, but...all the sudden, it feels really wrong to be starting school without him. It'll be like half the class is gone, not to mention half my brain. We don't like each other all that much, we never talk, don't each lunch together, don't even see each other outside of class, but I'm really gonna miss him. Way more than I ever imagined. In some ways, more than Ellie. I'll still call Ellie and talk to her like every day, and we'll get together sometimes, but Taylor...I might never really see him again.

I don't know what to do about that. It's not like I want to hang out with him, it's just that I feel like I shouldn't be starting school without him. He's always been there, and I kind of figured he always would be.Gosh, I hate this. I hate it when people leave that you never even knew you cared anything about. You know how whenever I get an email or Facebook fill-out and the question is "What are you most afraid of?" I always put "losing people"? Well, this is why.

I HATE this. Why can't everyone just stay where they are forever? What is so great about changing, growing up, being a LOSER and LEAVING? What is the deal?


I guess I'm done posting. Sorry for ranting.

If anyone has an thoughts or suggestions or anything about this, I'd love to hear them.

Saturday, 8 August 2009


It's hard, finding out that your friend has been lying to you for god knows how long. Not only that but that they're a two faced back stabbing liar that used me. The only problem is that they don't know I know since I'm not supposed to know so I have to act like everything is fine. Pretend that I'm not hurt or anything like that.



Sunday, 2 August 2009

Hopefully Not Out of Line...

I hope this is okay to post. It's sort of ranting, and definitely personal, but it kind of explains a little about me, who I am, and why I am like I am.

I recently went on a youth group mission trip, and on "Emotional Night", I started thinking, about why I'm not close to God. It might seem like I am, I don't know, but I'm not. I'm really, really, REALLY NOT. I rarely pray, and when I do, the prayers are deep, but very short, and usually when I'm in bed going to sleep, so I end up dozing off.

Mostly, that's because I'm angry at God a lot. For reasons that seem very petty, too, but they aren't to me. Things that would roll right off some people really bother me, and still do.I know loving someone at 12/13 is supposed to be impossible. Loving someone *really* at least. Having crushes, of course, anyone can have, but really, honest-to-goodness loving someone doesn't happen until at least your teenage years. Or so people think. Or so I thought.

I really loved someone, you guys. Maybe you won't or can't understand, but I really loved this person. It wasn't mushy, I didn't have a crush on him, I just loved him so much. I didn't even realize it. I'd known him since I was 8 years old, and I didn't even know that I loved him. He was a part of my life, a precious, irreplaceable part that I so took for granted.

If this helps you understand, he was like my older brother. I don't know if you know how much I wish I had an older brother. It's the one thing I would wish for if I had one wish. It's what I think about when I blow out my birthday candles. It's what I want when I see a shooting start. It's how I close my prayers at night. I want an older brother, and for 5 years, I had one.

Five happiest years of my whole life. I was finally fulfilled, finally, whole, finally happy. He was like my brother. I loved him like a brother, and he treated me like a sister. He explained things to me, he made me laugh, he protected me. He was everything I could have ever asked for a million times over. I loved him a lot, but I never thought about it much because I figured he would always be here. He was like the rest of my family, I could affored to take them for granted because there would always be time to appreciate them later.

I didn't realize that he meant so much to me until he left.His family stopped coming to our church, they stopped coming to my school, and his mom was unhappy at my family and our church for a reason that I don't know to this day.

All the sudden, after five years of having my dream, loving someone so much that if I thought about it, it hurt, he was gone. I stopped seeing him, and only then did I realize how much he meant to me, how much I depended on him.

I was shocked by the pain of losing him. Love like this doesn't happen at twelve, I scolded myself. You can't hurt like this at my age! Stop being so dramatic!

I told myself I was being ridiculous, that it was hormones or something, but it still hurt, almost physically. I didn't want to think about Him, but I didn't want to forget Him either. It was a constant battle of mind vs. heart every day, every moment.

I cried myself to sleep every night. I prayed so hard that His family would come back to our church. Every time He wasn't there, I had to go to the bathroom and force back tears.

All this sounds stupid, ridiculous even to me, but I can't begin to stress the truth of it to you. I'm not exaggerating, I'm not being melodramatic, although my friends told me I was for years.I finally told my parents what was wrong more than a year later, and they actually believed me. They were the first people to really get it. They told me that what I was experiencing was a kind of unconditional love that the other girls my age were just having trouble understanding yet. Knowing that I wasn't crazy made a world of difference, and I didn't cry that night after I told them.I was better for a few weeks, but the pain kept coming back. It was better, but still there.

This whole aftermath thing has been going on for 42 months, and I've learned to hide the pain very well. My friends got tired of listening a long time ago, and eventually my parents even started using the generic responses, "I know you miss Him, but just give it more time. Don't try to hold on to this, Kendra."

I was actually doing very well with this until Wednesday, Emotional Night. I've learned to push this back into my mind, where it's still there, but I don't have to think about it. It's not a bad way to deal with this, it's practical and helpful, but as I sat at the foot of the cross, I just couldn't really pray with it lurking over my shoulder.

I was angry at God. Too angry to really get close to him. Why had God taken Him away from me? God had given me the one thing I'd always dreamed of, let me taste it, and then ripped it away from me again. Why on Earth would a good God do that? Ellie B assured me that God was there for me, and he wanted to help me. I believed her, but it's still like someone punching you in the face, then offering to get you some ice. If they just hadn't punched you in the face to begin with, you wouldn't need their stupid ice!

Ellie B helped me think back to that post I wrote a while ago, about trusting God, the author of my story. Bad things happen to me, but God knows the ending. Even thought I can't tell what he's doing, he has things worked out in the end. I don't know the ending, but I know it's good, and I know losing Him plays into that somehow.

I'm still struggling with that, and He still holds a very special part of my heart that I don't know if I'll ever get back, but I think I'm starting to really work through this. I'm starting to trust God a little more, and believe that he really does have my best interests at heart. I know God loves, and I know he has the end of my story already outlined, I just have to trust him that he knows what he's doing.

Friday, 31 July 2009


How is it that people can ask you if you're OK when obviously you're not? Honestly, right now I'm OK but I'm just pondering past memories. Plus I feel as if I haven't posted enough. I have something I want to post later, but I'm not sure when I get to it because it'll take time. 



Im totally nervous about getting my hair cut but you can be sure that as soon as I get it cut I'll love it. Not to mention highlights. I'll post before and after pictures too. Wish me luck!!

Oh boy


Monday, 27 July 2009

Getting over her

I think I might be getting confused about Jade again. It seems although I do love her as a sister, I still yearn to have a relationship with her. I wonder sometimes whether I've just invented most of the sister thing to try and ease the pain of it all. But still she can never know that I still love her the way I do. As far as she is concerned I only love her as a sister now. If she found out anything else it would make things awkward again. And to be honest, I would rather sacrifice myself and succumb to the pain of loving her in silence instead of hurting her ever again.

Is it normal to feel that way? Is it possible that I might not actually get over her? I can't bare to think that i'll continue like this for another year

Friday, 24 July 2009

Roots. Where it all began

I guess for me, my journey down this road of depression started at Secondary School. I mentioned in my “About Me” post on this blog that I had been bullied all my life. Whilst it was true that it didn’t really bother me to a degree, it certainly did at first. It only ever stopped bothering me because I was so used to it. Yet I still carry around their cruel words in my mind and let them replay over and over again, wondering whatever I did wrong to provoke such hatred.

The turning point for me really began in September 2007 when my Nana fell and broke her hip. She was the only person in my world who I could truly talk to and she would keep it secret and try and help. I was at her house most days. I used to go there after school every day and spend my whole weekend there. So when she had her fall I became extremely worried. She got taken into hospital of course where not only was she diagnosed with a broken hip, but also with severe malnutrition and the early signs of jaundice. Clearly even with my help, she had not been coping on her own. From the moment she left her house the “other half” of the family closed in like a boa constrictor, squeezing the life out of my Nana by removing what comforts she had left. In January 2008 she was allowed to leave the hospital. But rather than letting her return home, the other half continued to destroy her life and instead put her in a care home with only a few photographs to remind her of her home she would never see again. Because of her fragile health, my Nana was on saline and vitamin drips for most of the time and taking a cocktail of different medications. Then, despite the fact she was recovering, the unthinkable happened (I did not become aware of this till after her death)... Without the consent of the rest of the family, the select few who had so far destroyed her life then signed the papers to stop my Nana from receiving any further medication. She passed away later that month.

Just hours after she died they began planning her funeral. The day after they held a family meeting where my Mom and one of my Aunts were accused of being the ones who destroyed her life. They were accused of sending her to the grave by abusing her and removing everything she held most dear from her life. Yet they were the ones who removed everything. They were the ones who had her home up for sale before she even died. They were the ones who signed the papers that killed her. At the funeral they even held up the funeral procession because rather than letting my Nana rest in peace they chose to stand outside of the church talking to everyone. In the many months since she died in 2008 I’ve held a constant, bubbling hatred for those who in my opinion killed her. I’ve only ever seen them once since the funeral and I had to restrain myself from going over and attacking them. Even thinking about it makes me shaky with adrenaline.

Because my Nana was the only one I could ever talk to properly, I’ve kept almost everything secret. It’s only within the past six months that I’ve opened up to some of my friends and to the people on this blog. Even that was only because I had a complete breakdown while talking to Ashleigh and numerous others since. That combined with my dangerously obsessive love for Jade (it is getting easier now), the fact I often feel like I’m not needed or getting in the way of my other friends, plus I know I’ll lose everyone when I leave college is only going to make things worse.

Some things I still don’t know. When your best friends are girls is it normal to feel like you can’t catch up with them or feel like you are getting in the way? Is it normal to still want to kill someone even after more than a year separates me from what happened to my Nana? Is it normal to be feeling lonely all the time and wish to have someone who you can love and who loves you in return? Hopefully these questions and more will be answered in the coming months and years. Otherwise things are going to start deteriorating again.

Till next time,

Steven xx

Thursday, 23 July 2009

I Guess It's My Turn

Introductions must be made.

My name is Tandice, I live in Indiana. I'm 14 and a Freshman in high school. I love to write and read. Music had become a very big part of me and I normally don't turn down a band within 48 hours.

Currently I'm writing a couple books with plenty ideas written down. On of which you can read. Just go to my profile.

I really don't know what to say but Im open to answer any questions....


Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Kendra Logan in Six Paragraphs!

Well, Steven had a good idea of introducing himself, so I though I might briefly do the same. I feel like I know you guys, but I guess in reality we don't know each other very well at all!

My name is Kendra Logan, and I'm fifteen years old. I've been homeschooled all my life, but I'm part of a program that's almost like going to regular school once a week. I've wanted to be a writer ever since I was eight, and I've wanted to be a lawyer since 8th grade. Basically, my favorite subjects are literature, debate, and logic :)

I'm kind of a nerd sometimes. I'm really into the odd subjects like language and philosophy.

While I don't really suffer from depression exactly, I definitely have my extreme ups and downs. My mom tells me that I just feel things 100 times deeper than my other friends. When I'm happy, no one is more filled with joy than I am, and when I'm heart-broken, my soul puts Romeo and Juliet's sorrow to shame.

I don't know how good I am at giving advice, but all of my friends seem to think of me as their personal psychiatrist, which is honestly fine with me. I love to help people that way if they really want my warped advice, lol! :)

One last thing, and this is probably the weirdest yet, but it's an extrememly character-defining aspect of myself: I've always wanted an older brother.

I know that sounds weird and almost irrelevent, but oddly enough most of my emotional problems stem from this strange lack of brotherliness (is that a word? Haha :D) in my life.

Okay, I'll stop ranting now. I really hope this post wasn't out of order...

Coming together

Sure we all have our own problems. Some worse than others. But when it comes to bullies.....

Is it odd that a lot of times I'm afraid to walk into school because I have witnessed so many people get bullied and it's pretty obvious which are getting fed up of the way they're treated...who's to say they won't bring a gun to school and shoot me?

Steven: the fact that you were bullied is pretty much heart breaking. No one should have to go through that. Although I admit I have never been bullied I've been depressed for quite a while.

I'm a friend!


Howdy :)

Hey everyone!
I'd just like to say that I think this idea of posting about our problems and stuff as a group is a really great idea. So, to kick off my posting career on this blog I think its fitting to start with a little "About me" section. Well, here it goes:

My name is Steven (if you hadn't guessed already), I'm 17 years old (24/03/92) and I live in North-East England in a city called Sunderland. If you aren't sure where that is then its only about 60-70 miles outside of Scotland. I don't speak with a Scottish accent though, my accent would be classed as "Mackem" (us British do have some weird words for things). I have a younger brother, Andrew who is 14 years old and at the moment tries to find any excuse he can to annoy and contradict me. I also have an older sister, Dawn who is 34 years old and the result of my dad's previous marriage. She has two children herself, Stephen and Melody although we haven't spoken in 4 years. To be honest (and this might sound harsh), I don't really class Dawn as being part of my family. She might share half her genes with mine, but considering I only discovered she existed in 2003 and fell out of contact in 2005 she knows nothing about me and clearly isn't bothered about trying to find out either.

I finished Secondary School (or High School) last year and I'm currently an A2 student at St. Peter's Sixth Form College. Its quite a small college but I've met some great people there, including Jade and Emma :). At college I study Computing, Literature, History and Media. I suppose you could say its quite an unusual combination of subjects but at the end of the day I'm doing what I enjoy best. I'm more of a academic person than vocational or physical person. When it comes to what I want to be when I grow up I've changed my mind quite a few times. I left Primary School at the age of 11 with the firm ambition of becoming a Lawyer, working my way up to a Barrister and Judge eventually. I had always been intrigued by the law dramas and other programs on TV (for example Judge John Deed (thats an English one) and Judge Judy). However I wanted to do more in law than just standing in a room all day trying to argue a case that knowing my luck I would probably lose. From an early age I've always been completely fascinated by science, and how it can provide answers to things where the stories of my upbringing and faith have not. Because of this, my ambition changed from wanting to be a lawyer to wanting to become a Forensic Scientist. It was still my sole ambition till August 2008 when I received my GCSE Examination results. Whilst I did get good results compared to the vast majority of the people in my year, my Math grade was not good enough for me to take science at college. As a result I had to use my fallback plan of computing and media, both fields I also excel at. Now my dreams of science and law have been replaced with Video Game and Film production.

My hobbies include reading, playing video games, swimming, cycling and going for long walks

My favourite films include: Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Twilight, Pirates of the Caribbean, Iron Man, Batman, Superman, Transformers, Knowing, Indiana Jones, James Bond and Slumdog Millionaire (just to name a few). My favourite books include: The Twilight Saga, Harry Potter, The Great Gatsby, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and anything related to Star Wars or Star Trek (I don't read as much as I would like to). When it comes to music I pretty much like anything that isn't rave, rap or dance music.

Sadly, throughout my entire life I've been bullied. Whether its because of my weight, height or even the way I speak, they seemed to make it their highest priority to make sure that every second of my existence was as painful as possible. Thankfully now that I'm in college, everyone is much more accepting of me than they were at school. I never get bullied anymore, I have about 10-15 really good friends and I'm doing brilliant in my subjects I have chosen. So all in all you would think that I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life? Well no, you're wrong. Over the past couple of months I've been extremely depressed and so far this year I've tried to kill myself a total of 4 times and I've now cut myself 6 times.

I'll admit, I'm still not 100% back to normal. Every couple of days I relapse back into my old depressed state but thankfully they are fewer and farther in between. It was only yesterday that I tried to cut myself yet again. But with the help of my closest friends and the brilliant people who have been following my blog, each and every day becomes a little bit easier to live. I now have the determination to survive once again and all because I learnt that communication was key. With this blog and kind people who will be posting on it we can post all of our problems in one place and work together to help each other with them. Thanks to Tandice for coming up with this excellent idea.

You can follow my own blog here where so far I've been posting my problems and where two fantastic people, Tandice and Kendra, have been helping me with their kind words of support.

Till next time,
Steven xx


Hello! This is just a quick post to say that Kendra's here! I think this blog is a great idea, and I look forwarding to helping y'all out, and getting helped when I need it. Great idea, Tandice!

Monday, 20 July 2009

"time heals all wounds"

Or so they say. But if that is the case, why am I still broken?